Why. I gave you the big speech and sacrificed myself so you could save the world. If I regretted marrying you, then I'd be sending you two world's worth of mixed signals.
( And in this, without a Miracle between their faces, but a Miracle on their ring fingers, he kisses him, looking like a bum, walking through the brimstone covered Hellburbia. )
You don't need to worry about me or my psychology. I'm the more well adjusted of the two of us, don't you think? Have you ever... ( He starts walking again. ) thought about talking to someone. Even down here. With everything.
[Dean huffs out a laugh that shifts into a sigh that fades into that kiss, smiling as he kisses Cas back out on the streets of Hellburbia.
He feels dazed when they start walking again but he doesn't let that slow him down as he walks with Cas, Miracle still slightly ahead of them, enjoying the many doggy splendors of the suburbs in Hell.
Cas' next question catches Dean off-guard. He blinks.] What, like a Hell shrink, or something?
[He shakes his head.] No, can't say that I have.
[He's never thought much of therapy, let alone that any therapist in the world could even begin to parse through the least of his mountain of problems.
He shakes his head, shrugs.] Never really thought there was a therapist who could deal with all of my shit, you know?
[How does one explain forty years of torture in Hell, for starters.]
( Cas knows Dean hasn't, but it's why he first poses it as a question. Maybe this way, Dean will think about it on his own. Maybe do it himself. Everything he holds back, as happy as Dean is with Cas, he knows how much he feels every day and how much he still deals with. )
And now you're in Hell.
( Anything Dean would say, someone could actually take at face value. He wouldn't have to code or lie or adjust. But, he knows this is a touchy subject for anyone. He laid it out. )
I'm not telling you what to do. And I'm not telling you I don't have my own - ( trauma, problems. maybe it's better if he doesn't name it. ) to work through. I worry about you, Dean. Even when helping with saving Lilith and making trips to see Lucifer. You're the first person I think about every day.
[The thought of seeking out a potentially demon therapist to talk to is downright damn near hilarious but Dean has to admit that Cas does have a good point. He has so much crap he carries with him, the weight of which he still feels, even through his happiness with his angel. It would be good to at least try and talk to someone outside of barstool therapy, even Dean can acknowledge that.
He doesn't know how he would go about seeking out help, but hearing Cas suggest it is encouraging, especially as he doesn't condescend to Dean as he talks about it, something too many other people in Dean's life have done to him over the years.
Dean's head snaps up and he stares as Cas tells him both that he worries about him and that he's the first person he thinks about every day. It still catches Dean off-guard, having someone worry about him. Having someone who loves and cares about him the way Cas does, and, for a moment, nearly overwhelmed, Dean ducks his head as he sucks in a low breath, trying not to cry.
He's trying to get better at letting himself be vulnerable in front of Cas; it sometimes feels like an uphill battle.
When he meets Cas' gaze again, his eyes are a little wet. He lets them be.]
Yeah, okay, Cas. I don't want to worry you.
[He takes another breath, trying to stave down what feels like it could be the start of a panic attack.
He offers Cas a watery, shaky grin.]
You're the first person I think of every day too. I want you to know that.
( Three? Or four? In terms of trips, his eyes say. But, like this, for a long period of time, yes, round two. Maybe that's not the point here. He should move on. )
And I don't want to worry you.
( But, they do. It's their lot in life to make each other worry. That comes from caring so deeply about one another. )
I suggested Dean Winchester start therapy and he didn't throw back an ironic, inappropriate response? I'd say Hell is rubbing off on you, but... Hell.
( He stops him again, snakes an arm around his waist and presses his lips to Dean's. )
Yeah, technically...what number are we on now? What with all the quick trips and couples counseling sessions we take down there.
[Dean remembers Rowena picking up on their rift back them. Christ, and that feels like another century ago, at this point. He also realizes, belatedly, that Rowena might actually be the best therapist they've ever had. He nearly laughs at that particular realization.
He's about to respond with some kind of deflective quip just to be contrary when Cas reaches out, snakes an arm around his waist, and kisses that reply clean out of his mouth. Dean lets out a muffled, pleased noise, leaning in and grasping at Cas' face as he kisses him back, surprised but grateful all the same.
When they break the kiss, Dean pulls back, but only slightly, resting his forehead against Cas' own.]
I'd say it was more your influence more than anything else, Cas.
I mean, why beat around the bush? Rowena definitely had a better read on the situation than I did back then.
[Rowena definitely could see underneath all of Dean's posturing with relative ease, perhaps even more thoroughly than even Sam could, which is saying a lot.
He grins, just enjoying being with Cas, especially when he smirks up at him like that. Naturally, the moment is interrupted, this time by their dog apparently chewing on a demon arm.
Dean reluctantly parts from Cas and moves to Miracle, trying to cajole him into dropping the nastiest arm Dean's ever seen.]
Hey, boy! Maybe let's find a good old-fashioned stick to chew instead, yeah?
Yeah, well. That's because I'm a dumbass. And I was letting my anger control me. I should never have blamed you for her death, or make you think I blamed you for her death. That's on me.
[Dean's anger is probably the core of what he needs to talk to someone about the most, a culmination of all of his years of endless and unspoken trauma, piled on top of each other like some kind of mountain. He's never looked too closely at the source of all of his anger and resentment, terrified of what he'll find there. (He doesn't know that he could take facing his true feelings about John Winchester, in all honesty.)
At Cas' remark about Miracle sharing Dean's taste, Dean throws his head back and laughs. Miracle finds some sort of stick that is very much distinctly not a demon's severed arm to chew on.]
Yeah, he really does, doesn't he? Questionable dog takes after his questionable dog parent.
[He shakes his head, still smiling, as he glances over at Cas.]
I accepted your apology, Dean, and your prolonged hug in Purgatory.
( We're okay, he keeps back.
Dean's anger worries him the most of everything, but it feels like he's either gotten a handle on it or pushed it way down. And maybe he's a big part of that.
[Dean cracks a joke and a grin to break some of the heaviness of the conversation. He's starting to get better at recognizing the signs for when he's about to become overwhelmed, and that is entirely on Cas and his good influence on Dean. Ever since Cas declared his love and sacrificed himself for Dean, Dean's tried to take his words to heart. He doesn't always succeed, and it's a struggle he'll likely carry with him his whole life (and afterlife, at this rate).
His own anger terrifies him. He likes to think he has a better handle on it now, and, internally, he's making notes to research meditation and calming techniques when he's next in the library. One technique he's discovered that's proven helpful to him is reading tarot cards, strangely enough. Very strangely, considering he's Dean Winchester. But taking out the cards, reading them, and arranging them is soothing for him in ways he can't quite explain; he's kept himself from going over the ledge and into a panic attack with them, so he's going to keep that particular hobby close to his chest.
He grins at Cas when he says he wouldn't have it any other way.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-11 01:13 am (UTC)[And the thought of anyone torturing Cas, of anyone hurting Cas, tightens every one of Dean's most vulnerable places.
At that question, Dean lets out a soft huff of laughter, shaking his head. His hand moves from Cas' shoulder to reach for his hand.]
Feels like I should be the one asking you that question. But actually, no. No, I don't regret it at all.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-11 01:22 am (UTC)( And in this, without a Miracle between their faces, but a Miracle on their ring fingers, he kisses him, looking like a bum, walking through the brimstone covered Hellburbia. )
You don't need to worry about me or my psychology. I'm the more well adjusted of the two of us, don't you think? Have you ever... ( He starts walking again. ) thought about talking to someone. Even down here. With everything.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-11 03:00 am (UTC)He feels dazed when they start walking again but he doesn't let that slow him down as he walks with Cas, Miracle still slightly ahead of them, enjoying the many doggy splendors of the suburbs in Hell.
Cas' next question catches Dean off-guard. He blinks.] What, like a Hell shrink, or something?
[He shakes his head.] No, can't say that I have.
[He's never thought much of therapy, let alone that any therapist in the world could even begin to parse through the least of his mountain of problems.
He shakes his head, shrugs.] Never really thought there was a therapist who could deal with all of my shit, you know?
[How does one explain forty years of torture in Hell, for starters.]
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-11 03:26 am (UTC)And now you're in Hell.
( Anything Dean would say, someone could actually take at face value. He wouldn't have to code or lie or adjust. But, he knows this is a touchy subject for anyone. He laid it out. )
I'm not telling you what to do. And I'm not telling you I don't have my own - ( trauma, problems. maybe it's better if he doesn't name it. ) to work through. I worry about you, Dean. Even when helping with saving Lilith and making trips to see Lucifer. You're the first person I think about every day.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-11 05:09 pm (UTC)[The thought of seeking out a potentially demon therapist to talk to is downright damn near hilarious but Dean has to admit that Cas does have a good point. He has so much crap he carries with him, the weight of which he still feels, even through his happiness with his angel. It would be good to at least try and talk to someone outside of barstool therapy, even Dean can acknowledge that.
He doesn't know how he would go about seeking out help, but hearing Cas suggest it is encouraging, especially as he doesn't condescend to Dean as he talks about it, something too many other people in Dean's life have done to him over the years.
Dean's head snaps up and he stares as Cas tells him both that he worries about him and that he's the first person he thinks about every day. It still catches Dean off-guard, having someone worry about him. Having someone who loves and cares about him the way Cas does, and, for a moment, nearly overwhelmed, Dean ducks his head as he sucks in a low breath, trying not to cry.
He's trying to get better at letting himself be vulnerable in front of Cas; it sometimes feels like an uphill battle.
When he meets Cas' gaze again, his eyes are a little wet. He lets them be.]
Yeah, okay, Cas. I don't want to worry you.
[He takes another breath, trying to stave down what feels like it could be the start of a panic attack.
He offers Cas a watery, shaky grin.]
You're the first person I think of every day too. I want you to know that.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-12 04:09 am (UTC)( Three? Or four? In terms of trips, his eyes say. But, like this, for a long period of time, yes, round two. Maybe that's not the point here. He should move on. )
And I don't want to worry you.
( But, they do. It's their lot in life to make each other worry. That comes from caring so deeply about one another. )
I suggested Dean Winchester start therapy and he didn't throw back an ironic, inappropriate response? I'd say Hell is rubbing off on you, but... Hell.
( He stops him again, snakes an arm around his waist and presses his lips to Dean's. )
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 04:25 pm (UTC)[Dean remembers Rowena picking up on their rift back them. Christ, and that feels like another century ago, at this point. He also realizes, belatedly, that Rowena might actually be the best therapist they've ever had. He nearly laughs at that particular realization.
He's about to respond with some kind of deflective quip just to be contrary when Cas reaches out, snakes an arm around his waist, and kisses that reply clean out of his mouth. Dean lets out a muffled, pleased noise, leaning in and grasping at Cas' face as he kisses him back, surprised but grateful all the same.
When they break the kiss, Dean pulls back, but only slightly, resting his forehead against Cas' own.]
I'd say it was more your influence more than anything else, Cas.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 04:30 pm (UTC)( Out loud. Proud and accepted.
After the kiss and the forehead touch, he smirks, looking up at his human, his guy holding a leash just taut enough that Miracle can pick at - wait. )
Should he be gnawing on a part of that arm?
( Demonic in nature, but still an arm. )
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 04:55 pm (UTC)[Rowena definitely could see underneath all of Dean's posturing with relative ease, perhaps even more thoroughly than even Sam could, which is saying a lot.
He grins, just enjoying being with Cas, especially when he smirks up at him like that. Naturally, the moment is interrupted, this time by their dog apparently chewing on a demon arm.
Dean reluctantly parts from Cas and moves to Miracle, trying to cajole him into dropping the nastiest arm Dean's ever seen.]
Hey, boy! Maybe let's find a good old-fashioned stick to chew instead, yeah?
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 05:00 pm (UTC)( Changing the plan around.
Miracle lets it go easily, always good with what Dean wants. )
He has your taste.
( 🙃 )
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 07:00 pm (UTC)[Dean's anger is probably the core of what he needs to talk to someone about the most, a culmination of all of his years of endless and unspoken trauma, piled on top of each other like some kind of mountain. He's never looked too closely at the source of all of his anger and resentment, terrified of what he'll find there. (He doesn't know that he could take facing his true feelings about John Winchester, in all honesty.)
At Cas' remark about Miracle sharing Dean's taste, Dean throws his head back and laughs. Miracle finds some sort of stick that is very much distinctly not a demon's severed arm to chew on.]
Yeah, he really does, doesn't he? Questionable dog takes after his questionable dog parent.
[He shakes his head, still smiling, as he glances over at Cas.]
He's as much your dog now too as he is mine.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 08:03 pm (UTC)( We're okay, he keeps back.
Dean's anger worries him the most of everything, but it feels like he's either gotten a handle on it or pushed it way down. And maybe he's a big part of that.
The dog. The house. Maybe not in Hell... )
I wouldn't have it any other way.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-13 10:18 pm (UTC)[Dean cracks a joke and a grin to break some of the heaviness of the conversation. He's starting to get better at recognizing the signs for when he's about to become overwhelmed, and that is entirely on Cas and his good influence on Dean. Ever since Cas declared his love and sacrificed himself for Dean, Dean's tried to take his words to heart. He doesn't always succeed, and it's a struggle he'll likely carry with him his whole life (and afterlife, at this rate).
His own anger terrifies him. He likes to think he has a better handle on it now, and, internally, he's making notes to research meditation and calming techniques when he's next in the library. One technique he's discovered that's proven helpful to him is reading tarot cards, strangely enough. Very strangely, considering he's Dean Winchester. But taking out the cards, reading them, and arranging them is soothing for him in ways he can't quite explain; he's kept himself from going over the ledge and into a panic attack with them, so he's going to keep that particular hobby close to his chest.
He grins at Cas when he says he wouldn't have it any other way.]
Me either.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-16 12:22 am (UTC)( It's so sappy. But, it's so true. )
Come on. Let's take Miracle back. Start the day.
(no subject)
Date: 2021-03-17 04:31 pm (UTC)[It's definitely sappy as hell but, if anything, Hell has taught him to better appreciate the soft, quiet moments, especially with Cas.]
Sounds like a plan to me. I think I still have some coffee from before Barbas' cronies started hording everything, if you feel up for some?